Addiction varies in its afflictions. One can be addicted to almost anything, from sex, to shopping to the Internet... Click here learn more about the warning signs of addiction, to identify if you or a love one's addiction may be causing pain in your life and where to go for help.

Transcript of Interview with Tim Lee

Sherrina:  When you live in New York and you are a mom, you manage your family, you manage your life, and you manage everything around you.  Sometimes things seem to be a little unmanageable, so we drink a glass of wine or take a sleeping pill at night just to get us through that day.  ‘Sometime’ can turn into ‘all the time,’ and that is what we call addiction.  I’m here today with Tim Lee, who is from the Manhattan Counseling Center.  Tim is going to talk to us today about addiction: what it is, how we can recognize it, and how we can find support in this beautiful city of ours.  Tim, thank you so much for joining us on New York Mother.com

Tim, as I mentioned before, it sometimes seems hard when you are managing everything.  One day, your life just seems to be slipping through the cracks and everything is unmanageable.  There are times that I pick up a glass of wine, and that glass becomes two or three.  The next thing I know, I’m sleeping it off, and the next day is a new day for me.  Is that addiction?  A glass of wine, some Nyquil every so often—what is the difference between that and addiction?

Tim:  You said an occasional shot of Nyquil or a glass of wine, although it might not be the perfect solution, works for you.  I believe that a trait of addiction is continuing a behavior that is no longer working and is undermining someone’s life areas, such as being a mom, a spouse, partner, or worker.  Another trait of addiction is being preoccupied with a substance, thing, or person and having the illusion that indulging in this behavior because you are depressed will help you feel less depressed.  In fact, it has the opposite effect.  It brings on more despair, and it becomes an unfortunate downward spiral.

Sherrina:  As I mentioned before, my life is a roller coaster ride.  There are days that I am happy and overjoyed, and there are days that I’m pretty sad.  I’m in the dumps, and things just don’t seem to be going my way.  I’m a mom, and I still have to keep my spirits up for my daughter’s sake, but it can be difficult.  How do I know the difference between having ‘off’ days or the onset of something more permanent, like depression?

Tim:  That is something that we don’t know.  We all feel depressed.  We all feel sad.  These are normal feelings we all have.  The important thing is how we cope with them.  As I was saying before, sometimes we cope with them by drinking.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn’t, but brings on more sadness and depression. 

Sherrina:  We watch a television show in our house—and we probably shouldn’t, because we have a little girl—but it scares me and I feel it’s like a traffic accident you can’t look away from.  It’s called “To Catch a Predator” on NBC.  Chris Hansen really does a great job at bringing forth something that we should all be aware of, particularly in the internet age.  Why is that we never see a woman show up at the doorsteps of these children.  Why is that we only see men on this show?

Tim:  We do see women pop up in the news—for example, the teacher who ran away with her student to Mexico.  I find that a lot of women put up ads on Craig’s List for rendezvous.  I see a lot of women create multiple identities and put themselves on various websites to meet with partners.  Not all men engage in chat-room behavior, but most sexual predators that prey on children are male.

Sherrina:  You had told me before that you would like to write Chris Hansen a letter about his show.  Tell us a little more about what that letter would say.

Tim: As I was saying, he is bringing a very important social issue to the foreground.  Yes, we do have people preying on underage minors for sex.  I would hope that he would consider broadcasting sources where viewers, who are watching and feel that they might have a problem with these behaviors, can get help.

Sherrina:  Perhaps a viewer is listening right now and thinking, “There is an addict in my home,” or “I am addicted to whatever—be it alcohol, sex, drugs, shopping (shopping can be a huge addiction).”  Where can our viewer go for help and support?

Tim:  Thank God your viewers live in New York City, because there is an abundance of resources.  People used to think that addiction was a moral problem.  Now it has changed to a disease concept—that it is not about morality, not about will power, but about having an affliction of addiction. 

Alcoholics Anonymous is very popular in Manhattan.  For those of us who have loved ones who are struggling with addiction, there is also Al-Anon for the partners, friends or family of people who are addicted.  For the folks that are struggling with sexual compulsivity or romantic obsession, there is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and Sexual Recovery Anonymous.  These are all 12-step fellowships.  There is also a 12-step fellowship called Debtors Anonymous that is for folks who have compulsive spending patterns and are living with high debt that seems to keep adding up.  Internet shopping is a big contributor to that.

Sherrina:  That’s because shopping feels great.  I do it all the time, particularly on the internet.  It’s easy to shop 24/7.

Tim:  It feels good.  I have to say I don’t think I have been to the grocery store once since Fresh Direct came, although I’m not plugging Fresh Direct.  Another favorite is Amazon.com when I’m looking for a book.  My big weakness is looking on EBay for cars, airplanes, and toys I want to have someday.  I can get lost in there, and my wife says, “That’s your internet pornography.”  Sometimes we joke about that.

Sherrina:   Can one be addicted to the internet?

Tim:  Certainly.

Sherrina:  How to we stop that cycle?

Tim:  My philosophy is that sometimes addicts can’t stand being with themselves and their feelings.  I personally say, “I’m entitled to go on the internet for 10 minutes,” or otherwise limit my time.  It’s all about balance, too.  The internet might not have the same consequences as crack addiction.

Sherrina:  Tim, tell me a story about a mom you have helped—what she went through, what she is going through, and where she is going.

Tim:  I’m working with a mother who was a sex worker.  Her children were taken away from her.  She is currently living with someone in a domestic violence situation where she is being physically and emotionally abused.  She is working on finding gainful employment and leaving this relationship.  She has got her hands full, and it is all about taking gradual steps.  I have worked with a lot of moms who had their children taken away and are struggling with addiction.

Sherrina:  Tim, you have a new practice that you started.  Share with us what you do and how you help addicts.

Tim:  I specialize in addiction to alcohol and substance abuse with a special focus on sexual compulsivity.  I do work with trauma and co-dependency.  I haven’t met one addict who hasn’t experienced some trauma.  I find, especially with folks in sex addition, that they are repeating a lot of abuse trauma in their addiction.

Sherrina:  Is there a difference between the way men and women are addicted to anything, from sex to drugs, to alcohol?  Is there a difference between the genders?

Tim:  Not really, except maybe in their drug of choice, so to speak.  If I were to generalize it, I see a lot of women who develop a romantic fantasy obsession and a lot of men who are addicted to internet pornography and compulsive masturbation. 

There are a lot of wives who think something is amiss in their relationship, and they are not quite sure what it is.  Sex addiction is not often easy to identify.  It’s not like alcohol where you can smell it on the breath or the person is stumbling around and obviously drunk.  A sex addiction is different in that a man who just acted out with a prostitute when he should have been at his child’s piano recital makes up some excuse.  The wife or partner who is caught up in this addictive system will say, “Something doesn’t feel right,” but still accept the lie and it keeps the addiction going.  That is a classic addictive family system.

Sherrina:  Tim, thank you so much.  You have provided us with some different ways of looking at addiction.  You have informed us on what addiction is, and hopefully we’ve have helped our viewers identify addiction in their lives.  Thank you so much.